The Art of Imprecision: How to Stir Fry like a Chinese

This "recipe" shares the secrets on how to stir fry anything (usually chopped bite-size meat mixed with some vegetable), so that it tastes authentic and Chinese (not pickpockety-from-foreigners-restaurants).  

This transforms your home cooking instantly into Chinese moms cooking on a lazy Thursday night for impromptu guests.  She hates it, but does it out of pretend kindness.  And guests love it, because it's free!   Kinda; she keeps a ledger.

Key INGREDIENTs

1.  Fresh Old or Young Ginger:

Anytime you have seafood, meat (not dog meat, refer to the other "recipe" article--censored in China), 99.99% of the time, ginger is the building block.  The logic:  ginger masks the strong odor from dead animals, or "stinky" seafood.  (It is even more essential if you steam any seafood; abuse it like the French with perfumes.)

Ginger also has the added benefit of "warming" you up in cold weather.  This is the "Yang" side of the equation.  Veggie and fresh fruits is the "Yin" half of a well-balanced Chinese meal.  Like a great plot:  hero appears incredible, because the opposing villain is so evil.  This tug of war is established by "Yin and Yang" of your dishes/ingredients.  Would the guests come back for your sequel?

Amount used depends on your preference, no such thing as 50 grams to how many kilo of meat/veggie.   Just like salt, you add however much you fancy.  However, I hate when people say "you'll know it when you are there, or you can't miss it!" So, 3~15% of total dish volume is a good starting point.  If you have more ginger than anything else in the dish, you can get rid of that guest who always drops by dinner time.

2. Fresh Garlic:

The #1 secret to stir fry anything, even your shoes!  Chinese use garlic for all veggie stir fry.  You can use garlic for meat or seafood as well.  It's practically like the word "FREE" and baby images in advertising:  you CANNOT go wrong!

Note: burnt garlic left to drown in oil, is not so inviting.  So add in garlic 10~15 minutes prior to finishing the stir fry.  Add at the beginning if stir fry is finished in 15 minutes (most dishes should).

Special Secret:  layering; add chopped garlic in 2 or 3 phases throughout the stir fry to "preserve" or "enhance" the exhilarating garlic taste.  The more you use, the more Chinese you become.  That's why Chinese don't really kiss during first 4900 years of history, if not for such bad western influence, like Hollywood.

Amount, once again, varies pending your preference.  1~10% of total dish volume can be healthy.  Garlic shrinks and burns off anyway.  More than 50% of dish volume may end world hunger, since nobody gets close and personal anymore--once again, an unnecessary western myth.

3.  Green onion, or scallion.

This charming "cherry on top" parsley-with-taste is the garnish, finishing touch to anything Chinese.  You can chop them up into any shape (small rings, diagonally across, long, short, medium tubes).  Just origami your green onions anyhow into the end (last 60 seconds) of finishing any stir fry dishes.  Like adding salt (or cilantro) at the end, it instantly transforms your stir fry into a stunner--for ordinary guests.  5-star restaurants requires caviar, orange fish eggs (salmon roe), or still moving soft shell crab attacking you.  If it moves, it's fresh! 

Amount can be 1~30% of dish volume.  Imagine a British royalty putting on her favorite hat:  garnish green onion on top, at will.  All Chinese do it!

4. Soy sauce

A touch of Soy Sauce (instead of salt) never hurt.   Salt is an acceptable alternative, but very ordinary.   Kikkoman is a common favorite brand for most Chinese housewives and person-of-interest.  Anything Japanese and expensive, is the way to appear upscale.  You can boast where you found your favorite bottle, from that remote island where they eat sushi from the fishing hook.

5.  Oil

Vegetable oil is most popular, canola or peanut is OK.  With the health trend, olive oil is recommended.  Sesame oil is a little too much (strong smell.  Good to add for flavoring at the end, not to cook ingredients for 15 minutes).  If you are using Crystal salt butter from French Normandy region, you are just trying to have your own cooking and travel show.

6. Others

Onions, tomato, salt and pepper, mango, cilantro, paprika, chillies, curry, wine, anything you saw on cooking shows, travel channels, are all OK.  But it now moves you into the new wave, world travelling chef category.  Great for entertainment, but no longer that authentic disgruntled Chinese mom entertaining impromptu guests Thursday night.  

She uses ginger, garlic, soy sauce as foundation; then off-the-shelf spice (like Chinese BBQ, Hoi Sin sauce, five fragrance, curry) to vary her dishes.  Chinese dad never cooks; he just talks nonstop, stares at TV, or anyone, then takes the family to restaurant when his wife puts up a "Not Today!" sign--which he is very accustomed to.

Cutting method

Always make sure all cut meat or veggie stir fry pieces can fit into a watering mouth.  If it takes many chopsticks stabbing at it to pick it up, you are no longer stir frying Chinese.  More like Survivor Africa.

Minimize square edges, or 90 degree perfect McDonald cuts.  Start with diamond (cut diagonally across) or any fancy shapes you can imagine.  This allows layered cooking, staggered release/absorbing spices.  It also makes it tougher to choke; bad way to treat a guest--except that mother-in-law.

Cooking Stir Fry method

1.  Level one (basic) for anyone starting to cook Chinese stir fry dishes, is simply tossing everything in, ALL AT ONCE.  

This is how we know the dish is NOT made by a Chinese, or a real chef, for that matter.  Undercooked and overcooked are all in display at once, the moment you taste the dish.  It's like tossing every ingredient of a hamburger into oven, then spray Ketchup on the mess afterwards.  Sheer horror!

DO NOT throw everything in, all at once!

2.  Instead, staggering is the key!  It's like building characters individually ("peeling the onion" in a great movie, then bring them all into the final climatic scene.)

a. Heat olive (not Chinese, but healthier) oil, veggie, or canola over medium to high heat.  Worldly travelers can substitute with your Spanish pork belly, churizo, or Normandy butter; anything that leaves a puddle of evidence that you have to clean up later.

b. Toss in ginger, and/or garlic for 1~3 minutes.  Medium to high heat.  You can add chili, or other spices like anise, curry.

c. Stir fry the longer to cook meats, or carrots, potato (root types) first.  Spray on the powder spices, like five fragrance, or curry powder; coating the meats--can be chopped up chicken, pork, beef, deer, alligator, or last night's guests.

d. Then toss in supporting casts; like cut green bell peppers, carrots, bamboo, any veggie, after meat is about 70% cooked (69.725% for Germans).

e. Easily cooked, or preferred to eat raw type ingredients can go last.  In fact, you can even turn off the fire/heat as you toss in the last entrants (like chopped green onions, cilantro, sprouts, etc...).  And cover up for that final few minutes!

f.  If you have easily disintegratable types, like fish fillet, cook them first, then lift them out of wok, pan; before adding them back at the end.  Else, that fish disappears like witness protection in 10 minutes of tossing.  And you complain about your expensive ingredients never proving your worth, or sincerity.

Side note:  Chinese show appreciation by how expensive the ingredients are.  If you cannot tell what you are eating, your Chinese informant is misinforming you.  Unless it's chicken feet--then you are "dealing business" in a restaurant anyway; nobody is sincere there!  Only loyalty is to $$ sign.

g.  Fancier creative minds can sprinkle sesame seeds, or garnish with cilantro, or a rose crafted from carrots, to Photoshop your homemade dish into an elegant restaurant evening wear.

h.  Going over the top:  pour in some restaurant industrial strength thickening sauce (like corn starch powdered  dissolved in water, flour, or Creme Fraiche--don't be arrogant!)  Sprinkle some MSG, baking soda (to soften the meat) along the way, you now officially become a member of secret Chinese scientists responsible for human mutation on Mars.  This is how Chinese "foreign intelligence centers" generate income from "food" as they mushroom everywhere outside China.

DO NOT try this at home!

All that gravy is like putting everything into a ketchup spill.  Not Chinese, misinformed, and not cool!

Final Recipe Secret:

Remember, your only stir fry limitation, is your own imagination!

Chinese do not stay home to eat traditional fancy dishes like Peking ducks; no one has time to spend 3 days preparing and cooking such a dish.  But a home made stir fry is quick and straight into your belly in steaming effervescent warmth of 30 minutes!

Oh, do buy a solid rice cooker.  Half the world population uses it. This is the number one disguise to become Chinese, or modern--in addition to your paella pan, or tagine  pots, except more practical.  Imaging 24 * 7 rice on demand.  This is how you get to 2 billion and counting, faster than Facebook.

Typically rice to water ratio: 1 to 1.5.  You toss the rice and water in, press the button, 15 minutes later, steaming fresh rice greets you.  

Perfect for your 30 minutes or less stir fry dishes, sizzling off your pan!